so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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