the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
