The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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