and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
