I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
