Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
