I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
