So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
