I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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