The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
