he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
