...so i touched it.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
