I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
