she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
