She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
