Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
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There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
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FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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