I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
