yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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