Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
