Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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