my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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