ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
im six kinds of drunk right now
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
