There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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