Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
