Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
