my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the day after is always just damage control
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
