The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
