Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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