I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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