girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
