The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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