i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
