I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
