Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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