He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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