Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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