a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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