Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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