this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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