You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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