NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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