Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
