I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
