Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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