Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
