Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
