two words...techno handjob
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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