I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
