I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
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Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
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The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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