I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
