I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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