I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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