come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
