I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
