I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
