hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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