you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
