Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
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