Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
