im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
