Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
